Secrets of the Furious Gangstas!
by Cryztalix
Summary: A parody based on Secrets of the Furious Five. Po tells the bunnies the REAL story behind how Mantis, Viper, Crane, Tigress, and Monkey became who they are today. A Repost and crackfic that will really appreciate reviews. Rated 'M' for ghetto-ness.


Yo, Cryztalix here again, I'm gonna show you this new parody I came up with. It's based off of 'The Secrets of the Furious Five.'

I don't own ANY of this!

Rated M for some Language…PFFT…'some' language…

WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS BAD LANGUAGE, STORY-TELLING, AND GANGSTAS.

Don't say I didn't warn you….cuz then I'd hafta call out a hit mob to go and find you! ^^

*giggles sweetly*

On with this story!

(THIS IS A CRACK FIC! I REPEAT- A CRACK-A-LICIOUS- FIC!)

Secrets of the Furious Gangstas

Today, Po, the Dragon Warrior had to train some kids in the Kung Fu Beginners class.

"We wanna be just like the Furious Gangstas!" One bunny said while kicking another kid in the face.

"Ow, bitch!"

Po looked at the children, and a thought came to mind.

"Alright, but to be like them, you would have to learn about all the secrets."

The bunnies stopped jumpin' on each other, and looked at Po.

"Nigga' whatchu' talkin, bout?" one bunny said.

"I'm sayin, that even the Furious Gangstas had to learn the secrets. Not everything has to revolve around Kung Fu, the Five had their own problems, and sorted themselves out to be where they are now!"

The bunnies gasped in awe.

"Oh….dat's deep."

"Tell us Dragon Warrior! Tell us!"

"Oh…I can't do that.."

One bunny pulled out a gun at pointed it at Po's head.

"Tell us, foo'!"

Po gulped nervously, "Okay, okay…but if you tell anyone, I'll deny it! I'll be like-"

The little kid pistol-whipped Po.

"We don't care! Tell us the secrets!"

"Alright, alright…."

And so Po began…..

"Even though Mantis was a wee little bug, he was FAST, LIGHTNING FAST! As a matter of fact, he was sooo fast….that he has no story."

The bunnies sat there and stared at Po.

"…OKAY! Next member!" he chuckled half-heartedly.

"It was said that that Viper clan was gifted with dancing from the great almighty Dragons of da hood. Great Master Viper was known throughout his whole clan as the best break dancer. No one had the skills to compete with him! He could outdance 15 gorrillas!

*15 gorillas fall down, exhausted from dancing.*

…and Queen Latifah.

*Queen Latifah walks off stage cussin' bout how GMV cheated.*

One day, GMV had been blessed with a daughter.

As they looked at her, the world shook.

…she had no ASS!"

The bunnies gasped.

"GMV was pissed! In order to dance good, she had to have an ass!.

'Please GMV, don't be so hard on her…' his wife, Boniqua, tried to reassure him. GMV bitch-slapped her.

"Hell no, ho! We need dancers on our team! Not no rag tag wanna be's!'

Years have passed, and Viper had tried so hard to please her dad with ribbon dancing, but he would always just flick her off and slither to Hooters."

"So what happened?" one bunny asked.

"Well, while he was heading to Hooters, A MIGHTY GORILLA BANDIT CHALLENGED HIM!"

'Well if it isn't GMV!' The gorilla boomed. 'Nigga', I've been comin fo dat ass, and I'm gonna beat dat shit!'

'Not if I can defeat you, with the awe-inspiring awesomeness of my bitch slappin, breakdance technique!' GMV retorted.

The gorilla snorted and said, 'AY RICKY! Put on some of dat slick-beats!'

A wolf was at the DJ and started playing, 'Who Let Da Dogs Out' by Ba-ha Men.

The two dancers started to compete with who had the best moves!"

The bunnies stared at Po in awe as he continued the story.

"GMV started to do 'The Jerk', when something TERRIBLE happened!"'

A bunny raised his hand, "He forgot his wallet?"

"….no.."

"His chain got jacked?"

"…NO."

"His con-"

"Shut up nigga's! I'm getting there!" Po said agitated.

"ANY-FUCKIN-WAYS, The gorilla bandit got pissed and shot at GMV. That shit wasn't pretty at ALL. Viper just so happened to be at the club with her other bitches and saw what had happened. 'Oh daaaaaamn!' Viper said as she rushed to her dad. 'Nigga, you just got served!' she told him. 'Ay, BITCH! Get outta my way!' the gorilla bandit said. 'Oh HELL NAW MUTHA' FUCKA!' Viper spat. Then, the most amazing thinfg happened- she started dancing! And it looked GOOD TOO!

'I don't need an ass, to kick yo's…..BITCH!' Viper yelled as she started doin 'The Worm' to the song playin on the DJ Radio, 'Boom-boom-Pow.' By Black Eye Peas.

In the end, Viper won."

"Wow!...so then what happened?" A bunny asked again.

"…They all got arrested. The end."

"Whoa….."

"NEXT STORY!" Po restarted.

"Now y'all know Crane, that anorexic nigga? Well, he used to be a crack head."

All the bunnies gasped.

"WHOA! So what did he do?"

"He smoked so many joints dat he just became a kung-fu master." Po shrugged.

"Oh! I wanna smoke a joint!"

"Me too!" a bunch of bunnies hopped up and down.

Po took out a blunt.

"You want it?" he asked the bunnies.

"Yeah!"

"Well too bad bitches." He lit it up and began to smoke it in front of the kids.

"Awwww…."

"Now, on with the next one…..Masta' Tigress! Whew! She is one bad mutha' fucka'!"

"How did her story go?"

"Well, she was in an orphanage right?

*scene skips to Bao Gu Orphanage*

'Master Shifu, thank you for comin!' a lady sheep told Shifu.

'It's my pleasure, now who's ass do I gotta whoop?" he asked.

'She's in the caged room over there'

'Caged room? You make it like a tiger is living here.'

'…..there is, dumbass.'

'…oh shit, yea, you right.'

Shifu walked towards the door and opened it. He saw a small tiger cub sitting in a corner.

'Tigress,' he said. 'I am Shifu. I am-'

'A gay ass, mutha fucka.' Tigress completed.

Shifu was taken aback. 'Oh shit….' He thought.

'Who da fuck you think you is comin' up in MY crib, BI-OTCH?' Tigress demanded."

"Wow…she was so fye.." one bunny said.

"Damn right, she was!" Po said.

"Tigress was so bad….but Shifu knew how to handle it. Everyday he would take Tigress out to a field, and they would snort crack. It calmed her down.

'So you mean to tell me dat dis shit is some kind of 'pixie-dust'? Tigress asked Shifu.

"Hell yeah.." Shifu said, currently high already.

'….well fuck, good enough fo' me.!'

After that….she never got angry again …..cuz most of the time, she was constantly high.

THE END!"

"COOL! I WANNA GET HIGH!" A bunny said.

"LAST STORY! Monkey was a gansta' too. He always shot every-"

"HEY YOU BITCHEZ!" Shifu came through the doors.

"Master Shifu!" The bunnies ran to him givin him some dap and some high fives.

"Po, what da fuck you been teachin these kids?" Shifu said.

"I've been skoolin' them, nigga'!" Po replied.

"Yeah right, mutha fucka.." Shifu said, not convinced. He went to a little bunny child.

"Hey bitch, what did you learn?"

"I learned how to have discipline."

Another bunny came, "and how we should always be respectful to our parents!"

"And lets not forget the most important rule…." Po said.

"Having good table manners!" The kids said all together.

Shifu looked stunned. "Well nigga'- I mean, Po….you did a'ight for your first day.."

"Hell to da YEAH mutha' fucka'!"

"Shut da fuck up…..anyways, I gotta go, my drug man said he wanna meet up wit me, so PEACE OUT BITCHES!" Shifu exited.

Po looked at his students, "A'ight, good job."

"But Po, you never finished Monkey's story!"

"…..who's DAT nigga?" Po said.

"Nevermind."

LATER ON THAT DAY

The students left, it was time to go home. Po was at the training fields when suddenly-

"PO!"

"Oh shit…" he thought.

"WHAT DID YOU TELL THOSE KIDS?" Tigress, along with the other five ran out to him….very angrily.

"I was NOT a crackhead!" Crane stated.

"And how come I barely had any screen time?" Mantis asked.

Monkey scoffed, "How come _I _had NO screen time?"

"Why are kids staring at my rear end?" Viper asked, feeling very uncomfortable.

"-And You KNOW Shifu never shares his weed!" Tigress growled, agitated.

Po ran off.

The end.

Well, that's it…I hope you weren't expecting more…this is my last story for awhile…

Lol, crack fic. Read and review!


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